State of the Union: Laying Out the Truth

It’s about time I laid out a little truth. I am, first of all, a reserved person with people I don’t know; I am, second of all, new to the blogosphere. I have genuine fears about disclosing information that could get me in trouble, or recognized. I’ve not told anyone I’m blogging because I really want this to be a place where I can express myself without censorship. Except I haven’t been doing it.

Tonight is a low point and I really need to have this out there, both so that I can express it, and so it can be read and reacted to.

I’ve been with my husband for about 10 years and we have a young son. Our marriage has been fraught with issues, mostly dealing with external circumstances. It seems we’ve had a run of bad luck early on. The worst was the death of my beloved mother less than two years ago. It was unexpected. I was heartbroken. And I quickly became alarmed. It became very clear that she had filled many of the gaps in my marriage, in terms of emotional companionship. She had been my true heart’s companion. My husband was a companion and a co-parent: a wonderful roommate, maybe?

To compound the issue, he drew into himself through the crisis of her death and my subsequent grief. He was always supportive and kind, but never extended himself as my lover, someone who desired me. I realize now that I longed to be anyone other than the grieving daughter and adoring mother. I wanted to short-circuit my senses with lust and fearlessness. I wanted something joyful. Or savage. Whatever. I was lonely and undesired.

When I brought up the issue of his low libido, he always claimed that it was a matter of timing, energy, or distraction. I confronted him like this for a year and got the same answer. A year! Finally this summer he admitted that there was a problem.

O fan-fucking-tastic! Yes let’s hear this one, kids. Finally he said that he just had no sex drive and he didn’t know why.

But the issue, my love, my husband, father of my child, is that I got help somewhere else.

I’ve spoken briefly about Wonder Boy. He’s an old friend with whom I reconnected when we relocated to his area. From the start, he’s been engaged and wise, and has a similar depth of emotion. That is, he can understand my emotional scale (say, negative 10 to positive 10) more intimately than my husband can (negative 5 to positive 5). It’s just a different feeling to know that someone has the same emotional capacity as you, not just sympathy. Anyway, Wonder Boy and I became very close very quickly. His heart too had recently been broken, and we both needed someone to pull us through. He has been my best friend. I trust him with everything I think and feel. I respect him. I make him feel loved and needed. He makes me feel lovely and fierce.

The issue, right now, is that he’s leaving to travel until the spring. I simply don’t know what to do. I am losing many things, but what distresses me the most is not having my best friend at my back; and to hold me and stroke my hair and say ‘there there,’ even if it’s just metaphorically. I don't want to leave my husband for Wonder Boy. We would be a total wreck together. But here is what he has reminded me of: I don’t want to be this lonely in this marriage anymore. Logically I know that I will pull on my crusty boots and wade through the bullshit, and try to get the work done that I know is necessary. But oh, I need some joy. Joy for me, my heart and my body. Not mother joy. Desire joy! Savage joy! Where will it be?

Tonight I am despairing. Best to go to bed, now that I have this out, and try to get some rest. Thanks for listening.