Dream State.

I had an awful dream last night. My mother was sick, plus a co-worker poisoned her to get her job. My mother realized her food was poisoned, but she kept eating it even though I begged her not to. Slowly she became more paralyzed and unable to breathe. There were many other elements similar to her real death. It was tortured and fraught to watch. Once she died, the dream proceeded rather strangely, involving breakfast buffets, ski slopes, and shower beds.

Anyway, I awoke unable to remember what was true and what was imagined. She really had died, yes, but not like in the dream. Yes, she was gone. I fought the urge to cry; it is a hard way to begin a day.

Meanwhile, my husband was walking around the bedroom getting ready for work. I gave him the dream summary and its resulting effect on me. He gave me some pats and said he was sorry my dreams were so unpleasant.

What I really wanted to do was sob and weep. I wanted him to put an arm around me and just be with me, to stop what he was doing. But he was bustling around. I found myself unable and unwilling to ask him for anything. I'm so tired of having to ask him to clue in to me. Feeling despondant is bad enough, but add to it the burden of having to ask repeatedly for someone to tune in and pay attention...I don't think I have it in me anymore.

Luckily today I have time by myself so I can sit and think and try to figure out what I want to happen next.