Mood.
I had a trip on my own this past week. I left the family at home and ventured all around the Empire State. I talked a lot with my mother-in-law, some really worthwhile conversations. I felt close to her for the first time in a long time. We went out to brunch even, and had oysters and greyhounds. Friends and I gathered for drinks, and breakfast, and enchiladas. I ate three kinds of pie. I saw my friend's new baby and made him giggle. I had dinner with old ladies. A dear friend and I laughed about my grandmother's hilarity. We smashed a giant piece of glass with rocks. There were walks on the beach, a birthday dinner, plenty of sleep. Words I wanted to hear.
And on top of it all, I accomplished all the business I set out to do. I pulled off a complicated and convoluted exercise. I hired men, rented vehicles, hauled trash. I drove over 800 miles.
I came home. I drank beers and painted my toenails pink. Friends came over to help and we ate meaty pizza and drank more beer. I saw my boy and held him and held him. I relaxed. I followed the joy of what I wanted to do. I felt no stress about the evening, no agenda, no push of responsibility. I was just myself.
And then I got slammed. Yelled at for letting the boy stay up so late, being irresponsible. Resented for having good friends.
So here is the old sadness again. One, that when I get back to being myself, it causes problems; two, that I seem only to let down my husband.
But you know, I really didn't do anything wrong. This is what I'm understanding a little better. Maybe it isn't just me.
4 Comments:
It isn't JUST you my dear, how could it be, because it never is. It does indeed take two, the responsibility is a shared one. You know in your heart the answers, you feel them. They are getting closer to your heart. Getting away and being yourself only helps to illuminate those true and sometimes hidden feelings. But they do not want to stay hidden.
Wry,
I am glad you had a good trip. Sorry you got such a heavy dose of reality. Glad you are back.
Daytripper.
You've hit the nail on the head. It's not just you. I've finally learned to accept that in my own marriage. Our spouses need to take some responsibility for their own happiness and not resent us for when we enjoy ourselves.
You know how you watch TV or read a book and there is that annoying character who serves on function? they're the cranky cab driver ot the rude waiter that you see everywhere? They are so one dimensional that you know that they will never change, never warm up to the main character and their whole reason for existing is to be that cliche' for that one moment?
I got a lot happier in my life when I realized that real life had those one dimensional creeps too. No matter what you do, or try to appeal to their rational or emotional side, some people are just character actors and sadly their chosen role is that if the prick.
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