Fidelity.

At the beginning of my marriage I thought that I would never cheat on my husband.

-ahem.-

It's still not something I want to embrace, to permit myself to do. Once upon a time there were conversations and efforts to avoid perilous situations. Then I forfeited. I admitted this was a thing in my life, that I needed Another Man. Time passed, and it became less about necessity and more about want. I wanted to be with him. Now I feel more fidelity toward Another Man so that I actively and successfully avoid marital sex. (Another simple component is that I hate it with with husband, but I've already discussed that.)

What movie was it: "You mean to say that you won't have sex with your wife because you'd be cheating on your girlfriend?"

Anyway, I know that other opportunities will arise. I've mentioned one in a much earlier post, an Old Friend who's gotten in touch with clearly libidinous intentions. I don't want to cheat, but again, not for the usual reasons. For one, I know that a sexual affair is not the same as a love affair, and the former doesn't appeal to me. Also, it would really hurt Another Man, so I could never tell him. That would be the worst part; I couldn't bear to hide something from AM. This is someone from whom I've hidden nothing of myself. AM knows all my secrets.

Don't you think there has to be one person in the world who knows all your truths?

This has nothing to do with integrity or doing the right thing. I wish I were so strong. I have to turn down this proposition. I may tell my husband about the situation so he can help me stay away from this Old Friend. You know, I keep calling him my friend, but when he's written to me, he has little regard for my state of being. Just wants to know if I'm still interested in him. We were fairly good lovers once, but I never got the sense that he loved me as his friend. He really has nothing to offer me except sex.

I'm just afraid that I'll be so desperately lonely that that will be enough.