• Monday, January 16, 2006

    State of the Union: How Bad Is Bad

    So I say that sex with my husband is bad. He's a terrible lover. What, supposedly, does that mean?

    Here are the generalities: He makes little to no noise. He lacks authority; there's no surety or command to his movements. He lacks either confidence or experience to let himself go into passion. Often his attentions are boyish. He uses affected voices when he tries to say something sexy. He absolutely does not know how to dominate the situation.

    Here are specifics: He fumbles around. He tried to give me a spank once and it was like a pat so I tried to have a spanking workshop with him. His first try was a real whack; workshop over.

    Another typical example: I was hot and ready, bending all my will toward having successful sex. I was on my hands and knees and he had no idea how to enter me from behind. He kind of fumbled around, trying to jam himself somewhere without aim or using his hands to spread me apart. So I had to try to balance on one hand and try to point things out to him. Didn't work. Did a face plant. He's still trying just to poke around and said 'I can't see what I'm doing.' Well, neither could I, obviously. Hey asshole, aim for the soft, wet, open part you can feel. Can't you tell by touch? It's like this everytime we try something this basic. God, just writing about it makes me hate him.

    For about a year I tried to talk to him about his lack of a typically masculine sex drive. Like, he just didn't seem to have much of a need for sex. I always felt that guys are a little more animalistic in their need. So when he didn't exhibit any of that toward me, I took it personally. As in, guys inherently want sex, but I turn that instinct off, I guess. During these conversations, he would say he was just easily distracted by fatigue, chores, our son, and television. Television? Are you fucking kidding me? You forget to fuck your wife because you got wrapped up in a tv show? Well, I've already written about this in the past here. The upshot is that now that he has more of an interest, I learned to shut the door on it a while ago. Plus I have a petty and vindictive nature. Oh now I'm supposed to want it because he choses to? As though I'm constantly subject to his whim. B.u.l.l.s.h.i.t.

    Believe me when I say that I have been patient, understanding, and encouraging. But I don't even want to try anymore. I'm too old for this; we've been together for too long. I don't want to teach a man how to fuck. Wasn't that what the twenties were for? So it's not just the practice, but the principle. I avoid sex at all costs, making excuses left and right. I've actually asked him if he enjoys sex much; he just doesn't seem to find much joy in it. He likes it, but he doesn't love it. And how can I love it when I'm being fed so little?

    It doesn't help that I know how it can be with someone. Husband definitely suffers by comparison. A former lover said 'You and husband need to get going what you and I had.' I had to fight off tears because my husband will never have that nature: sexual, masculine, knowing, confident. It's not just experience. It's how you embrace being sexual, and he doesn't. I never feel so asexual as when I'm with him. I think this compounds my DoMe Queen persona: I look to be desired by every other man. I want to be wanted, beyond measure, beyond reason.

    I don't know where I'll get by saying all this. There are more important problems in our marriage that I'll talk about another time. But this is a big one; thought you should know where I'm coming from. Or not, as the case may be ;)

    10 Comments:

    At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Wry, this post has motivated me to delurk. I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks now, and was preparing to create an "anonymous" account to use for replying, but I felt so compelled to respond to you that I'm just going to do it now before I've created my "adult" login.

    Anyway, blah blah blah, the point is, your post really touched me. I'm a young-30s man with a great marriage, but my wife and I are still working through sexual issues similar to what you described. And a good portion of what we've dealt with came from me fitting a lot of the things you said about your husband (much to my shame and chagrin). There were other factors too--her weight issues, her own struggle over whether it was "right" for her to want sex and have fetishes, various health things, etc. The end result is that we both have a real intense interest in sex and both want to create a very dynamic, sensual life for ourselves, but we're not often on the same page at the same time.

    My issues stem from a life of shyness and reticence, which I've recently begun to really address through therapy and medication. I realized that I allowed myself to always be the passive partner in previous relationships, and in doing so, not only cheated myself of the ability to take charge, but also denied myself the chance to fuck around and gain more experience and confidence.

    My inability to respond confidently, to even talk dirty to my wife, has hurt us several times when she's been bold enough to "start things" (there was the whole I-want-to-be-your-cock's-slave offer that I stupidly let die on the vine) and I couldn't follow through appropriately. And the result is not only that we return to weeks or months of celibacy, but that she took it like you did, that it was HER that was failing, that her weight was a problem or she was "weird" because she wanted me to spank her and talk dirty or that she realized how much she loved blowing me. And I feel horrible for creating that, so I'm now doing everything I can to undo it.

    Fact is, I've always found her extremely sexy and always wanted to have lots and lots of really good sex, but my personal fears and failings made it easier to fall into "roomie" status than "lover" status. Now I'm working to come out from behind all that, to really own who I want to be and who she wants me to be, and to convince her that it wasn't her and that I'm really ready. I believe she's willing to give it a shot, though sadly it sounds like you're not. I hope you find your satisfaction somewhere.

    Your blog has been immensely helpful to me. I've just recently completed therapy for social anxiety, and realizing how I can free myself from those self-imposed restrictions has made me really eager to explore my sexual issues too. And my wife actually found your blog somewhere, so we read together, and then I read some more, and followed some of your links. One link you posted from Anyone's Girl really helped me understand how I can be both loving and caring and devoted to my wife, and also be dominant and spank her and tell her to be my slut (which she said she wants) and to do all the things we want to do, and not have one cancel out the other. So that's my goal.

    Thanks for helping me out. I hope as I continue to read your blog, I can contribute something to you in your times of need, which you seem to be in right now. Believe it or not, I'm not trying to hit on you, even though I'm a New Englander too. I'm sure you get enough of that. I just find the way you express yourself very insightful and helpful. Plus your stories make me hot. :)

    Hang in there, you'll find what you need one way or the other. Owning your feelings and putting them out there for validation is a great step.

     
    At 3:34 PM, Blogger Tommy said...

    Thank you so very much for sharing. I continue to be awed by how well you know yourself, as well as your ability to articulate your feelings. Be well, I'm rooting for you.

     
    At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I hear you. I could echo most everything you said.

    Especially the part about doggy-style. Girl, were you in my bedroom with me? That is so exactly what has happened in my bedroom. Come on, if you want to do it doggy-style, you'll figure it out. If you don't, you'll fumble about.

     
    At 8:36 PM, Blogger WryGirl said...

    Tommy and Cardman: It means a lot to know you're tuned in here, to see your names repeatedly. Leaving comments both kind and provocative.

    Tryinghard: Your post was a bright star in a difficult day. My next post will be general, but know that I have you specifically in mind. I appreciate your candor and thoughtfulness.

     
    At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Wow, I'm flattered, and very glad to know I helped you even a little. I'll be looking forward to seeing your post. Maybe I'll even give myself a real name by then.

    BTW, I'd say you're definitely succeeding in your goal of being wanted and desired by every man, at least all the ones reading your blog. Your words are very powerful, so keep using them.

     
    At 11:10 PM, Blogger DH said...

    You know where I am on this subject...right in that boat with you.

    Drives me fucking crazy too.

    You'll be the first to know the next time I head to New England.

     
    At 7:47 PM, Blogger ArtfulDodger said...

    yeesh, man i know i'm late catching up but good grief! you know how i feel WG and this only makes it more so. Everyone else has already stated what I would have, especially tryinghard, so I'll leave it at that.

    I'l always have an ear for you. ;) (Two, actually.)

     
    At 11:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Wry,

    Sometimes I wish that libido (especially a few years after marriage) could be measured on the day that you meet, just like your height. In such a world, midgets would think twice before marrying giants. Alass, I don't know of such a tape measure other than perhaps experience from past relationships. In your case, we know who's the tall guy. No amount of talking, coaxing, teaching, or otherwise helping out is going to change the simple fact that you need sex more than he does. Furthermore, this gets uglier when you avoid sex with him even if you're horny because you know that it will likely turn out in disappointment for you.

    Blogs like yours, ArtfulDodger's, and AlwaysArrousedGirl's show very personal accounts at different stages of what's going on all too often in our world in homes, therapy sessions, and (unfortunately in the end) family court rooms.

    I hope for you that you find the right satisfaction in your life with your family and make the most of what good you have.

    Now where did i leave that yardstick?

    Trunks Up!

     
    At 11:41 AM, Blogger WryGirl said...

    'Trunks Up' just cracks me up, E8.

     
    At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hmmmmm . . . so it happens to women too, hunh? Interesting . . .

     

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