State of the Union: How Bad Is Bad

So I say that sex with my husband is bad. He's a terrible lover. What, supposedly, does that mean?

Here are the generalities: He makes little to no noise. He lacks authority; there's no surety or command to his movements. He lacks either confidence or experience to let himself go into passion. Often his attentions are boyish. He uses affected voices when he tries to say something sexy. He absolutely does not know how to dominate the situation.

Here are specifics: He fumbles around. He tried to give me a spank once and it was like a pat so I tried to have a spanking workshop with him. His first try was a real whack; workshop over.

Another typical example: I was hot and ready, bending all my will toward having successful sex. I was on my hands and knees and he had no idea how to enter me from behind. He kind of fumbled around, trying to jam himself somewhere without aim or using his hands to spread me apart. So I had to try to balance on one hand and try to point things out to him. Didn't work. Did a face plant. He's still trying just to poke around and said 'I can't see what I'm doing.' Well, neither could I, obviously. Hey asshole, aim for the soft, wet, open part you can feel. Can't you tell by touch? It's like this everytime we try something this basic. God, just writing about it makes me hate him.

For about a year I tried to talk to him about his lack of a typically masculine sex drive. Like, he just didn't seem to have much of a need for sex. I always felt that guys are a little more animalistic in their need. So when he didn't exhibit any of that toward me, I took it personally. As in, guys inherently want sex, but I turn that instinct off, I guess. During these conversations, he would say he was just easily distracted by fatigue, chores, our son, and television. Television? Are you fucking kidding me? You forget to fuck your wife because you got wrapped up in a tv show? Well, I've already written about this in the past here. The upshot is that now that he has more of an interest, I learned to shut the door on it a while ago. Plus I have a petty and vindictive nature. Oh now I'm supposed to want it because he choses to? As though I'm constantly subject to his whim. B.u.l.l.s.h.i.t.

Believe me when I say that I have been patient, understanding, and encouraging. But I don't even want to try anymore. I'm too old for this; we've been together for too long. I don't want to teach a man how to fuck. Wasn't that what the twenties were for? So it's not just the practice, but the principle. I avoid sex at all costs, making excuses left and right. I've actually asked him if he enjoys sex much; he just doesn't seem to find much joy in it. He likes it, but he doesn't love it. And how can I love it when I'm being fed so little?

It doesn't help that I know how it can be with someone. Husband definitely suffers by comparison. A former lover said 'You and husband need to get going what you and I had.' I had to fight off tears because my husband will never have that nature: sexual, masculine, knowing, confident. It's not just experience. It's how you embrace being sexual, and he doesn't. I never feel so asexual as when I'm with him. I think this compounds my DoMe Queen persona: I look to be desired by every other man. I want to be wanted, beyond measure, beyond reason.

I don't know where I'll get by saying all this. There are more important problems in our marriage that I'll talk about another time. But this is a big one; thought you should know where I'm coming from. Or not, as the case may be ;)