Secret Misery

I'v gotten used to lying, even showed a talent for it. I shamelessly abuse the trust I am given from a kind and loving person. Mostly I feel guilty not for what I've done, but for how facile it feels.

But it's hard, hard, hard, constantly to hide how I feel about this other person in my life. If we've bickered. If he's petulant and cross and I'm hurt. If I've gotten sharp with him and feel repentant. And so often like tonight, when I am secretly miserable and miss him. My part at home, however, is to be the gracious hostess, the attentive mother and wife. I have to put on a completely false face of cheerfulness.

And it will get worse. He will be leaving soon, and already I feel the desolation of his absence. This is not an easy time to face, and made more difficult by the requirement that I be mute about it to everyone I know. I would like to be able to curl up in a friend's arms and cry. I'd like to tell my mother. I'd like help.

I'm counting on you to listen.