State of the Union: Leave Me Alone
I am a strange mix of introvert and extrovert. That is, I'm very social and personable, charming and funny. Men like me. Women like me. I can find something to talk about with anyone. But it exhausts and drains me. The only way for me to recharge is to have some heavy alone time, either with a book or to putter around. I really have to push for it around here, and guilt-free independance is probably what I miss most about being married. Well duh, kind of a no-brainer, eh?
I live with a husband. He confounds me. When something is lost, he asks me where it is before looking for it. He has been home and called me on the phone to ask what there is for lunch. When he wants to be helpful, he asks me what he should do instead of just looking around and seeing what needs doing. He always responds when I ask for something or have a need. But there is something of a child in him, unable (or maybe unwilling at this point) to engage in our life without prompting. I've been home with the boy and in charge of the house for almost three years, so I've helped create this scenerio by taking care of everything around the house. I think he's gotten over-dependant on me.
But this is what drives me the most crazy: when I'm reading or at the computer, he just interrupts and starts talking at me. No respect for my privacy or time. Sometimes I say, Hold on a sec, and finish what I'm doing and then look at him. Usually these days I shoot him a look of disbelief and anger. He knows this is a problem. It's a constant issue. I bring it up, he apologizes, he continues to do it. To me it signals a basic disrespect for me as an individual human, as though I'm here just to attend to his needs and whims. Fighting for something so basic exhausts and frustrates me. Like, how fucking complicated is it to get this?
I live with a toddler. No use explaining how high-need he is (diapers, dressing, eating, reading). It's evident at this age.
The short-term solution is to steal some time away tomorrow, maybe even overnight. But long-term? I have no idea.
6 Comments:
Thank you again for sharing, and Happy New Year to you. If, when you think everything through, you come out thinking that it's all worth it despite the frustrations, then I think it's eminently possible to maintain this double life. It's not really dishonest, it's just compartmentalization. You seek the fulfillment of your needs where it is provided to you. All you're doing is living your life, the best way you know how. Rooting for you here, and looking forward to hearing more about your experiences...
We're starting to sound like the same people, it's getting scary. ;) I'm the same way, intensely loyal, loving and dedicated... but then I just need to be alone for a minute! So many stresses having chlildren, changing your life around and new roles and responsibilities... for both of you. Stress is a funny thing, and it effects everyone differently, but these times also bring out our true natures. If I had been more aware of that fact back then, I probably wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.
I get the same sort of thing in my house, but that WB is less than enthusiastic about being asked to pitch in.
Maybe it's a mommy thing. I don't know. But it is terribly frustrating, and those little interludes of pleasure only heal the hurt for so long...
Hi Wry...I'll admit I'm guilty of some of the same things your husband does...I'll ask what she wants done rather than find something to do on my own.
I also will ask a question before looking for the answer myself...I know that's annoying and I really should stop that. It's an annoying "guy" habit.
And thanks for the inspiring photo, AAG! Reading is Fundamentally Hot!
Whoops that comment was posted on the wrong one.
Yes this seems to be a not-uncommon thing among moms I know. It's like, I'd rather be by myself than constantly negotiate this stuff. Just get it done instead of the back and forth.
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