State of the Union.
Today was therapy. It was mixed. Again, the difficult issues, topics. Here is the dynamic: Husband is kind of absent, I get impatient with him, then he shuts down and spaces out, withdraws even further. It happened even within the session; the therapist asked him to echo back what I had said not 5 minutes before. He managed to remember after about 10 minutes. I just started to cry, feeling so unheard.
I feel as though the only way I can help is to treat him like an egg, and never be myself (impetuous, impatient, prickly), who I kind of like. I'm not a sweet-as-sugar person so it feels just about impossible to get out of the cycle. I already feel as though I am less myself than I'd like, around here at least. There's a whole side of me that doesn't get out much at home: spontaneous, hilarious, irreverent, crass. And I'll have to shut off more of myself and be nicer nicer nicer to make this marriage work because he's so fragile? is that the word?
The good part is that we are getting down to the core of who we are together. But I don't like the picture it paints. I don't like it at all.
4 Comments:
Oh, honey...not being able to be yourself around him is no way for you to have to be. I also know that it's not going to do a bit of damn good for both if he is absent. It's not fair to you to have to be someone you're not just so that he might be happy.
I just recently got out of a relationship where I was that person you are being...the one treating him like an egg that might break (in his case, explode) at any moment.
I got out b/c I had to for me. I'm not saying that it's the best decision for everyone...and I think it's admirable that y'all are working on your marriage.
Good luck to you...in all you do.
What you describe is very similar to the situation my wife and I found ourselves in a few years ago. My insecurity and fragility was making it difficult for her to be herself with me. The difference for us (at least it sounds like it so far) is that I ultimately decided I wanted to change, and spent about six months in group and individual therapy working on those issues. We also talked a lot between us about the little things we could do to improve those situations. And it's gotten a lot better.
I'm not sure how or if that helps you, except to maybe say that there are legitimate reasons your husband responds (or doesn't respond) that way, but that ultimately, if he doesn't choose to change, it won't get better. It would never be fair to ask you to suppress who you are to make him comfortable, but understandable if you make that choice.
Just keep in mind that if you do make that choice to suck it up for the sake of the marriage, it's still okay for you to expect him to contribute. I don't know, it feels trite to try advising a stranger on something so significant and difficult, but I felt like I needed to share.
If you ever want some insight to what might be going on in his head, at least a guess from someone who's been there and chose to turn it around, let me know.
Thanks, everyone. I'm doing what I can for now. If I get out of this, I want to know that I've at least done what I can.
Why, pray tell, are men so "fragile" & "insecure?" At my age I realize I should know this & what to do about it, but it's very mystifying to me still.
It is true, as I think, that the bigger & more "manly" one wants to think himself, the more his "fragility" bothers him, & the more he WON'T (absolutely refuses) to apologize for the really hurtful things he's done (in my case, ran off to fuck an old flame in another city when I was having really severe health issues necessitating an operation)? And completely deserted me afterwards. With some efforts to get back together since. What's going on?
I know he loves me but he won't apologize, nor admit that he does. And of course I can't bring myself to submit to that kind of treatment again. So...silence.
Rather nice to know that even a really great sex *oral & regular* doesn't necessarily transcend the human male's difficulties with intimacy. Because I miss it enough that I often think of going back, whatever unbearable compromise it would exact from my sanity & soul.
Any insights welcome. I'll check back.
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