Stuck?
I wonder if I'm stuck now. When I sit still and try to be present with how I feel, it's not good. I don't know what the future brings, but right now I only want to stop asking 'What should I do with my life?' I want to have that figured out to the degree that I can stop thinking about it.
I'd like to have a meaningful job. I'd like a little house with an overgrown garden. I'd like to have friends who come over to eat Jiffy Pop and listen to old records and drink beer. That feels like the extent of what I'd like for myself.
The stuck part? I'm on anti-depressants. I go to individual and couples therapy every week. Nothing is really getting better. Essentially. Yes, we communicate better. Yes, I sleep. But I have so little ability to find joy in life. I'm tired of ekeing it out of a generally lusterless experience.
Are my expectations too high? Am I looking to feel more thrilled than everyday life warrants? Or is my life inherently dull? Would anyone in my position feel under-stimulated? You know, maybe it Isn't Just Me. I need more going on, but barely feel capable of handling what I currently have.
Most days I know how the day will proceed. Today it's a trip to the pool and packing for vacation. The pool will be fun. Tonight: a concert and a drink in good company.
Here we go.
8 Comments:
DON'T SIT STILL, sweetie. Take one little step at a time to make your life the way you want it to be.
What do you enjoy doing more than anything in the world? Okay, other than sex? [yes, I had to look elsewhere, too, lol] Try to turn that into a job.
I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do for at least 40 hours a week (once I realized that Major League baseball just wasn't going to happen) than read about history, so here I am 25 years later, a historian. It's not always the world's greatest job, but at least I'm always interested.
Keep swinging . . . don't let yourself sit and sink under the waves. The other couples who just want to hang out on Friday nights at your house and eat pizza or Jiffy Pop are out there. My wife and I used to be one of those, and then our pizza-people moved away, so we're "auditioning" others all the time.
Life's too short to spend it unhappy, Wry. Have fun at the concert, and let us know how it goes.
XO
people still make Jiffy Pop? In that aluminum container on the stovetop? really?
I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had some great words of wisdom or comfort, but I don't.
I do have a shoulder and an ear, if you need someone to lean on and listen.
Hugs
~Robyn
There are goals that all of us want to accomplish. Many of us wish our life was more exciting than it was...
I just look to the everyday things in life to bring me joy...it is what keeps me happiest...
the smile of a child
a friend's phone call or email
a jog through the park
I hope you find joy in the things you have and not worry about the things you don't have figured out.
Hi DPQ,
As a former Class V kayaker, I found I had to detox from my own thrills after I became a father. Nothing helped that like wiping out in the middle of a large cascade in a remote canyon, losing my boat and having to hike out of a 2000' deep gorge, crawling vertically with hands and feet.
But, ya know, some of us maladjusted types just can't get the same buzz out of life that ordinary folks get from playing Safeway Bingo.
Uh, so, the next time we get together, can I tie your ankles behind your head?
I promise I'll give you a buzz. And I won't ask for permission either.
Love,
Chuck
P.S. The above is a TRUE story. It was something.
I never ask or question, I just do.
Today I tubed a meandering river with friends, tanned, saw some saggy tits, waved my cock at a few unknown women, and polished off many beers.
Just have fun.
I've dealt with clinical depression all my life, and I know how horrible and debilitating it can be.
I'm glad you're taking meds and going to therapy---not only are they the important first steps, it's proof that you are doing something positive about your problem.
It's hard with a child, but in my experience you MUST, and I mean MUST:
1) eat a healthy diet
2) get regular exercise
3) get 8 hours of sleep
These things are essential to getting better. Trust me on this.
I've pretty much read your entire blog at this point. Its facinating stuff. And it really makes me think and fantasize at the same time.
You're undergoing a lot of changes...probabbly phyiscially which effect the mental part. I've known a lot of women who feel as if they are stuck in a marriage. They feel unfuffiled. And right now, you probabby are having a sex drive of a teenage boy.
Right now, the act of cheating on your husband gives you a thrill... the act of powerful lovemaking seems to define you as a person..at least at the begining of this blog it did. But that is leaving you empty, isn't it.
But there is a life beyond the physical.
My situation is similar yet different. I'm a guy who never heard the words "I love you" from a woman. I've always managed to strike out with women-or go out with them only to be classified as a friend then eventually abandoned.
I'm nearing 40 and I've never been held in love-nor has anyone wanted to love me. (Doesn't help that I am also handicapped) All my life I just wanted a normal existance. Be a lover and eventualy a husband and father. I wanted to put my family first have a decent career that I enjoy.
So far I have the career that I don't tire of...but I don't have the family.
I guess what I am trying to say is this: You have a lot more than what other people have. Some people die alone..never loved, mourned or missed.
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