Partly Cloudy
Perhaps this is revealing too much, but my mom once had a friend named Sarah Partly Cloudy. I mean, what the hell, it was the 70's and all sorts of crazy shit was going on.
Today I feel like Wry, Partly Fuzzy. I'm trying to jump-start myself right now by sitting outside on the patio, writing, and drinking an Arnold Palmer. I took my son to a movie this morning and sat too close. Yesterday I backed into another car in a parking lot and today must frequent the fifth Circle of Hell: Car Insurance. See what I mean? No wonder my head pounds.
I wish I had something funny, sexy, silly in mind to post. I look around though, and all I see is the dirty lawn furniture and earwigs. A blue sky with big fluffy white clouds. Ants. Whithered flower buds. Just kind of tapped out on finding the joy in life. Mostly it feels like a chore.
This is it, the split that so often confounds me. The world of last Sunday feels completely foreign today. Where was I? What did I do? It doesn't feel like the same life. I don't feel like the same person. The difference resonates like a schizophrenic break in my mind.
But wait, isn't the whole point of all this therapy and the month-long sobriety to begin reconciling these two separate ideas of myself? I am the same person, and either consciously or not, I choose to segregate different aspects of myself at different times.
As a friend once reminded me, that unhinged, powerful self is only ever dormant, waiting to be summoned. What I sometimes construct as an East German cinderblock wall is actually more like a curtain, billowing and parting. Ha that's the idea at least. Maybe more like shutters these days. Hopefully that's progress.
Well my drink is about done and I'm about talked out. Less dazed, less achey. Party sunny.
Just watch. Those insurance guys are about to call.
7 Comments:
As you have a way of doing, you made me think with this one. Here's my take, which I hope you take as nothing more than my half-ass opinion. I don't buy the whole concept of living every moment of your life fully "alive". I guess what I mean is that I'm not unfamiliar with your sensation of feeling like that was someone else on Sunday. It's been my experience that the highlights of my life come and go very quickly, and I often catch myself looking back in amazement that it already ended. I just think that the necessities of everyday life are such that the "good" parts, the parts when we let ourselves loose and enjoy whatever life has presented, do stand out as distinct events and almost the life of someone else. But it sounds like you're finding those stretches of "ordinariness" more of a downer than you want them to be, and I get that too. Given your situation at home and your discontent with said situation, it's not surprising that you would find it hard to bring those two sides closer. I do like the concept of the curtain, flowing and open and letting you drift in and out as life and YOU allow yourself to.
I've had more awareness of those moments lately, both ways. Sometimes the simple act of sitting on my deck and looking up at that blue sky brings me great, simple joy and comfort, and other times, the option doesn't even appeal to me and the prospect of one day after another, same routine, seems numbing and depressing. Very few of us have the option to live every moment of every day totally free to do what we want and love.
I don't know, my point didn't congeal the way I'd hoped, and maybe I didn't help at all, but at least you got me thinking.
god damn those insurance fuckers!!
I just found your blog and I must thank you. I thought I was the only one trying to reconcile my old self with my new self. They tell you having a child will change your life, they just don't tell you how.
Looking forward to relating to your blog as I go through the same stuff. Good luck!
It cheers me that you guys are out there. Thanks, all. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Last time I saw an insurance guy was in line at DQ . . . his swirl with chocolate dip dropped on the ground.
Inside, I laughed.
XO
Justice!
Hey! My mom knew Sarah Partly-Cloudy too!! I'm from Maine and would love to see if they knew each other!
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