Pretty Damn Clear.
Long story short: yesterday I got a phone call that led me to speculate that my husband had forgotten to pass an important message on to me. As I drove along, I began to foam at the mouth. If he had forgotten to pass it on to me, that was it. The last straw. I was done. I was out. I was not going to forgive this one.
And I felt palpable relief and happiness at the prospect. I would finally have the excuse I needed. As it stands right now, if I left I'd have to leave for my own reasons, not because of his behavior. Do you know what a burden that is?
Anyway, it turned out I was not going to get the easy out. He had never gotten the phone call at all; he was off the hook.
This time it was palable disappointment.
That's a pretty clear definition of how things are going, isn't it?
So my question to you is, how much cash do I need in hand before I walk out the door? Throw me some figures, folks.
14 Comments:
6 months worth. Whatever your bills are plus food, gas and entertainment.
I have no idea. It is a terribly complex question that depends on your lifestyle. Although from what I have read, divorce lawyers are the only money makers. Their role to society reminds me of this excerpt from Lord Byron’s Age of Bronze –
"Whose game was empires, and whose stakes were thrones;
Whose table earth --- whose dice were human bones?"
Ok, at least three months worth if you leave. It will take that long for the child support hearing to determine his financial obligations. The question you have to ask is in regards to the home. While I don't know your specifics, leaving is not encouraged if you want to maintain the house afterwards. I strongly suggest a consultation with an attorney first, they can be helpful if you find the right one. Take the time to find the right one. :)
I would have to say, listen to dodger ... he's a very smart man.
plus, I know squat about marriage, let alone exit strategies for them.
but good luck, darlin' ...
It is never a case of how much as how well have I anticipated what will happen throughtout the process. And who can I truly count on versus who will desert me in what I perceive to be my greatest hour of need for support. You become 2 separate entities going in very opposite directions. Do it, but wide open eyes. It changes the rest of your life; in my case for the better but in more ways than I ever imagined. Good luck.
Nothing . . . I won't charge you a dime. Seriously, that definitely takes some planning. Dodger is on the right track --- you'll probably never have as much as you'll need, since it may take longer than you think to get re-started somewhere else.
Then again, if it's that bad, there's no telling what someone can accomplish, if they're motivated enough to make it happen.
Best of luck, Wry, if that's really where you're headed.
XO
I agree with Art. 3 Months worth is a good number. I know its tough but if you can save 3 months worth of every bill you have, it will give you a reasonable amount of time to resettle. And consider lawyer fees into that saving as well.
Also, if any bills are in your name, like the light bill, water bill, cable bill, etc., you can go to their offices and request a letter of recommendation.
When moving into a new place (if you're not on the same company's system) sometimes they'll accept those letters and not require down payments for your first month's / last month's service.
If any services are in your name, be sure to have them cut off and take your 'other' (if on the account) off so they can't restart service unbeknownst to you.
If you share any credit cards, be sure to cancel them. Keep ones that are only in your name. It took my then separated wife only 2 days to charge $4,000 to one of mine.
Good Luck!
How are things on the Other Side of the Hill ? I mean, where is hubby with all this ? Is he oblivious, or does he know more or less where you stand ? It's not clear from yr. blog, although I don't think I've finished reading the whole archives.
If you are at Splitsville, it's better to be there if he's on the same page, and isn't feeling humiliated and like he has to ruin you to spite you. The commenter who talked about the divorce attorneys being the "only money makers" isn't far from right in that deal. I used to work for some...and the more bitter the parties, the more expensive it got. It's best if you can know more or less what you both will do BEFORE it comes to getting the attorney.
Think also of the Law of Unintended Consequences. You can't begin to forsee all the ramifications of this, but you ought to try to plan as much as possible.
Hi DPQ,
The last anonymous poster really said best, as well as the Dodger-man.
My anticipated split (her decision) was not going to be at all amicable, as being amicable would help her out of a situation that in no way I felt I deserved-- and would facilitate her bad behavior.
In fact, I had been facilitative, and because of that, it was accelerating her leaving, and not facing up to our problems.
Nothing is simple. The best advice is always to talk to a lawyer. In most cases, the court will first and foremost consider the welfare of the child-- just because you want to leave town doesn't mean you get to.
And beware legal counsel that tells you what you think you want to hear. My wife got that kind of legal counsel. I got the best lawyer in town. My wife smart, but naive. I'm just smart.
In the end, we stayed together-- and things are tons better. I don't know what to tell you regarding your situation-- except this.
If you're serious about leaving, you will re-start your career. You will have a job, and an income source. You'll have some valid form of child care lined up. You'll have a solid understanding of your husband's opinions re: custody. All this "3 months, 6 months stuff" to me is pie in the sky. There's no way that you'll be able to save the money without him knowing.
I hate to say it, DPQ, but the first step is to get a job.
Plus, interesting things happen around water coolers.
Y'know?
Love,
Chuck
What the Chuck said it well - you need a steady source of income, and a way to care for the child - 3 months / 6 months doesn't mean a lot if you don't have the income.
Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are. In addition, consider a mediated divorce if it is basically amicable - this is a lot cheaper, and faster - it worked for me.
Finally, heed Chuck's advice about the joint accounts - protect your credit and financial position. Also, don't leave money on the table because you may feel guilty for leaving - I did, and it was a huge mistake.
Best of luck, DPQ, and keep us in the loop.
Oh yeah - and a another thing. Get yourself a therapist / counselor. You need someone who is totally on your side, and has a more objective view of the situation. Now is a goodtime to line one up.
Thanks everyone. I'll take this all into account.
I think all of the advice given above is great.
I wish I'd planned a little bit better than I did when I left.
But sometimes...you just finally realize you gotta get out regardless.
I left with just a couple of grand stashed away. I had to go on welfare to support me and my daughter. I had to ask for help. I had to go back to school on student loans. I'm not 20 thousand dollars in debt.
Know what?
It was the BEST decision I ever made.
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