Last Notes of Tonight.

I spent tonight in the city. At 11:30 I drove home through the middle of mid-Saturday night hype. I turned up the radio and cruised through the streets, exhilarated. It was that spring-night-in-college feeling, of the world in front of you.

Halfway home it turned to longing and despair, the in-love feeling turning onto itself and onto nobody. The gushing and excited but nowhereness of divorce. A new life approaching but not yet arrived. The missing comfort, the lack of touch, no tender caress or kiss to absolve me of my grief. The sadness. The solitary. Missing a mother's arms. Absolute stark self-reliance at starting over, older and more complicated, at 34. Cutting the seams between me and my ally of the last 10 years, feeling untethered, unheld, pulled mercilessly toward the void of dark matter.