Spark.
Sitting at dinner tonight, out at a restaurant.
I think of my future self -- the single lady. Would she sit in this booth or rather at the bar? Is the latter trying to hard for a 30-something single mom? Does she carry a book or a magazine? If she doesn't, does that imply that she's on the prowl, wanting to meet people? Or does reading at a bar on a Friday night scream 'anti-social'?
Would this waiter find her attractive? Did he notice her when she walked in? Did anyone else?
Does she think he's attractive? Would she? Who else here? Like that guy who just walked by. Did he not look because I'm wearing a wedding ring and sporting a husband, or am I not attractive to him? Am I attracted to him, even?
These were just my mind's wanderings/wonderings, an idle exercise in seeing the world as an unattached woman again.
It felt lonely.
It felt exhausting.
And no matter how far I take my little imaginative exercise, it's nothing compared to the true difficulty of being single. I have lurid fantasies of jumping ship and the blissful freedom of independence. But that has its own miseries too.
God, does anyone win?
6 Comments:
Yes, you ultimately do in the end with the freedom to do what you want, be who you want and enjoy what you want. It's all very scary in the beginning but you can be lonely in a crowd of people, or with a spouse. I remember when I first knew I couldn't be married to my ex any more. It was a very scary thing, but as time went on I knew I could do it. I was always the main breadwinner, and really both parents to my kids, so it might have made my decision a bit easier.
The idea of dating scared me, until 2 months before my divorce was final, I met a young med student. 24 years old and horny as hell. I wore that poor boy out.
I have great faith in you. You'll be fine. Everyone is scared at first.
xo
Thanks Storm. Really those are some of the most helpful/reassuring words I've heard in a while.
in my personal experience ... nope ... nobody wins
Hi WG,
Define "win".
When you're one of us folks that the light is just on too bright, it's always a challenge.
Here's a little kiss, though...
Love,
Chuck
I've never seen a ring plug a hole, just saying.
no - no one wins.
Divorce is the either the last step of your heart being ripped apart, or the first step 'into the light' (depending on whether you wanted it or not)
Being single sucks. Sure the sex is fantastic, but eventually, being in 'marketing mode' will get too tiring and we revert back to our true selves.
The end question is "what is the emotional price of staying?"
Post a Comment
<< Home