Why I Am An Insane Person.

Well we all know how well the last fews days have gone.

Today I had the house, and my life, to myself. I ran errands, did paperwork, housework, etc etc. Lots of wife and mother chores.

I've been struggling with how to find work when my son will be in school only mornings. Who hires someone for three hours a day? Well, so, today I called the school and asked them to take him until 3:30. No problem! Easy peasy! Done! Oh the relief. Now I feel as though I can take genuine steps toward finding work. Feeling: Super happy!

Then the dreaded couples' therapy. I divulged, crying, that I feel complete panicked at the idea of continuing to toil like this, day after day. The debates, the late-night discussions, the exercises, the pain of constant naval-gazing. Ugh! Therapist didn't really react very much, just wanted to find a way for me to feel that we were making progress. I felt as though no one takes me very seriously when I say I am really fucking fed up. I think I will have to say it a bunch more times. Feeling: Despondant and panicked.

We went out to dinner with the boy and had terrific food and wine. It was a chatty fun time, celebrating the new opportunity I have to find meaningful work. Feeling: Good!

Stopped at the bookstore on the way home. I got to wander around a bit, and hit the table with all the 'Women's Wisdom' books: What I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger; How Smart I Am, and Great My Life Is Now That I'm Not Your Age. You know the ones I mean. And I picked one up thinking, Well, maybe this will help. Maybe this will give me a g*dammed clue. I felt such longing for guidance that it palpably hurt. Would someone just please tell me how to do the right thing, how to live well, how to know myself and honor it?

In other words: Where Is My Mother?

Guess what sister, she's gone, not coming back, and she couldn't be that voice for you anyway. Feeling: Crippled and despondant and lonely.

Drove home and got into stupid discussion with my husband and thought repeatedly, 'You're dumb. I hate you.' Feeling: Mean!

Now I'm home and hoping that everyone will leave me the fuck alone and for once in the last five days I won't have to stay up late talking about my fucking marriage to a fucking boy-idiot. Feeling: Ranty!

Ta-daaaaaa! That's my Monday. Hello rest of the week! Let's really rally and push toward that full psychotic break! Awesome! Go team!

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