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It's 10pm on Sunday night. I just came home from seeing Children of Men by myself at the theatre. Too bad I forgot my white hat. Man, that is a good fucking movie. Generally I don't get too deep into movie reviews, but I would say to see this one. The plot is exciting and executed with emotional poignancy, and has a cool futuristic shabbiness to the production.

But don't worry, this isn't all about movies.

The boys came home yesterday. Seeing the little one was purely joyful and fun. We hung out all day playing games and legos, and hugging. I made homemade mac and cheese, which of course the boy didn't want because it wasn't Kraft. We were together again today at the train museum. Right now, and believe me I know it will fade, I am really glad to have him back in the house waking me up for pancake breakfast, prattling in the backseat for a cheesestick, and spontaneously offering over pizza 'Mommy, I love you.'

There is a nagging thing, and that is that I am worried about his height. Up against the wall where we mark such things, it seems he hasn't grown since June. OK OK I'm actually fighting against pure panic and wigginess on this one. Don't know what to do.

Having the big boy at home is a pain. I can't do anything but think of him as a big messy lunk of a person. Boring stories. Lazy habits. There is so nothing there most of the time. Over the past two months there have been flares of caring and compassionate feelings, but they're few and far between.

What I felt for the past week was a fledgling life of my own, full of work and new habits, trying something new here and there. And suddenly, PLUNK, he comes back and I'm pulled backward into the morass of separation and still being tied to and tired of this marriage. I want to be done with it. At the same time, I'm glad it's taking some time because I've had enough space to re-evaluate some of my decisions about money. As in, 'step up, buddy. I'm not paying for everything' decisions.

But this isn't all about the boys, either.

So I mentioned a new toy a few posts ago. It had a good virgin run (thanks, you). Since then, though, I'm not that pleased with the curvy bit. Also, I can't easily prop the base on my ankle so my hands are free. Damn, I wish you could try such things before buying. The texture is very good, and since it's silicone, I don't have to worry about pthalates or whatever those dudes are called. I feel as though I'll have a giant box of toys just to find the ones I like. Is there a freecycle for this stuff? I'm a tough consumer, though. I'll get my money's worth. Oh by the way, Liquid Silk is da bomb. No odor, no taste, not stringy.

I mean, what am I saying. I came hard last night with the new vibe and the old purple one in action. So hard I simultaneously saw stars and my eyes crossed. What am I being so picky about?

Perhaps I'll always be unhappy with the vibes as long as I'm wielding them alone.

But I'm using them again, at least. The soda has felt pretty flat these days and it has me worried that I'll slip back into complacency about sex. It's hard fucking work to keep up a feeling that is so seldom embraced and returned, like keeping a revolving door going with no one inside it. It's there, though, and sometimes it jumps up and surprises me into getting off.

That's the deal. That's the business. Goodnight.