Stuck.
I don't get how I'm supposed to do this. Therapist says it's important to be present, to feel instead of thinking about what I feel. But we also talk about setting an intention to find joy in my life, minute by minute.
What about those days when I'm overcome with sadness or grief and all I can do is weep? Am I supposed to be present in that or should I be trying to pull myself out of it to feel joy?
I went to a friend's house last night. They gave me wine, dinner, asked me what was going on. I told them. I think talking about my struggling marriage triggered other feelings of grief and loss. Things falling apart. Losing people. Wanting a life I don't have.
I had dreams last night of my mother and grandfather. We were all having party and they were allowed to join us, but just for a brief while. We were able to laugh together; it wasn't maudlin even though we knew two of us were dead and would have to leave. My grandfather was so proud of how my grandmother has managed everything. For a brief time we were the intimate, joking family of three years ago.
I woke up crying in my sleep.
Now I have to pick myself up, take care of my son. Try to find some joy through the thin remaining veil of sadness. Yeah, I think that's going to go really well.
2 Comments:
Hi WG,
Since you don't have an e-mail address posted, I'm going to break my rule about not posting serious stuff in comments.
It goes without saying that you're struggling with depression. You need medication, or a higher dose if you're already on an SSRI. Depression is the #1 thing leading to divorce.
It's hard to know from your writing how much culpability is in your actions, or your husband's. But if you want to save your marriage, it doesn't matter.
You're also obviously suffering from attachment issues, exacerbated by Husband's various failures in this area, and your affair, that you have written about. You view H as a primary obstacle in regaining successful attachments and love in your life. This is exacerbated by the depression. It looks like, through your writing, that H is making some attempt to repair the damage, but he is somewhat inept. Further, he can't help or re-bond with anyone who is depressed. Problem is that ANYTHING he does, he can't win, because your fundamental lens on the situation is adversarial.
My wife went through a similar crisis. It's a long story, but basically refused to go to therapy (not that therapy is helpful if one of the parties is mentally unwilling to participate) and so her treatment was left up to me. Fortunately, I medicated myself into my conscious mind, analyzed the situation, and treated her.
The basic steps of treatment:
1. De-stress the depressed subject. I would get up at 5:30 every morning, clean the entire house, get the kids off to school, as well as go to work for the whole day. She was totally in charge of her activities.
2. Re-stimulate the depressed subject. When someone is depressed, they tend not to do much. I would NEVER tell her what to do, but when positive activities that I approved of came along OF HER CHOICE, I would actively facilitate.
3. Encourage appropriate attachments. She had a major schism with her parents which led to some of these problems. I actively promoted their reconciliation, though they hate me. I offered no judgment, though also no support, for inappropriate attachments.
4. Encouraged problem daylighting. I'd encourage her (very difficult) to talk about her big issues with me (she's a woman that HATES to talk about that stuff), and NEVER problem-solved or judged.
5. Correctly identified her neurological brain profile. There's some great books by Daniel Amen that let one understand the underlying brain mechanisms behind psychological disorders. These give insights into both cognitive and pharmaceutical treatment strategies that work.
It was really hard. I'd go to the gym, and run, and run, and run. But me raising my boys was at stake. And I love my children.
And it worked. It took about 1.5 years. Things still aren't perfect. And I still have some un-met needs (like verbal banter-- which is why I love flirting on blogs).
Good luck. Contact me off-blog with questions.
Love,
Chuck
honest, wrenching and powerful.
I know this sounds lame, but just be as strong as you can and endeavor to persevere ...
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