What In The World Can I Title This?: How Well I Am Not Doing.
Frankly, I don't know how to talk about my life these days. It's crazy and painful and hectic. I tell myself to buck up, get through the next thing, don't worry too much, and don't get mired down in emotion. Plus, I'm so damn tired by the end of the day, that all I can do is the routine household stuff, then go to bed. My friendships have all suffered for my lack of time and my unwillingness to think or admit how badly I feel.
I started teaching full-time while still working some evenings and Saturdays at retail, something like a 56 hour week. Husband and I still live together, but in separate bedrooms. We are moving through mediation, and are close to a draft Separation Agreement. The plan is for him to move out by February 1.
We are getting along well and able to make a lot of good decisions about how to separate our lives. Some choices are difficult not because of their substance, but because they are existential questions about who I am at my core, and how I will shape my future. Splitting up from my partner of 10 years feels surreal, disappointing, sad, and exciting all in the same moment. The ambiguity of the future usually scares me, and I try not to think about it, but that's probably how most people feel all the time.
My son is ok, definitely aware that things are changing. School, sleeping, and eating are all going well, and he's healthy.
Brushing my teeth last night I thought that I could see the tidal wave of a breakdown on the horizon. It wouldn't be long, I thought, until it overcame me and I was going to spend a lot of time sobbing or weeping. I've just been going too long on sheer willpower; something was going to give.
Cripes, I didn't even make it out of the bathroom. The wave hit.
And today it's all I've been able to do to not cry at work. I just think to myself "I'm not doing well," my eyes brim with tears. But I kept it together until dismissal. Then my supervisor looked directly at me and asked how I was doing. I lost it. Shit. I hate crying at work.
But I'm not doing well. I need help. I need my mom but I don't have her anymore so I also have to think about who can help me and then ask them. Do you think that is easy for me? It is not. Also, I don't really know what I need. Life to be different. To stop crying. Money. Hope.
Oh well. Oh well. Oh well.
Time to throw the pasta in the water and get dinner on the way.
Next.
11 Comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. There are resources out there, not just friends, but professionals. They say that divorce is about as traumatic as going through the death of a loved one, even if it's a divorce that you want and have been ready for for awhile.
Do you have health insurance of some sort that includes mental health benefits? You might consider just looking into some sort of support group or someone to talk to about what you are feeling. Being surrounded by others going through the same thing might help you get through it better.
I'd love to get an email from you.
Gadfly_Guy@Lycos.com
I don't know if I have any wisdom that might help -- probably not. But I've got some experience and a desire to see you get safely through this.
Reach out. Your friends will be there. If they know you at all, they know (or will readily understand) that you are hurting, that you need a place to go where someone can just put an arm around you. I don't know your girlfriends, or your relationships with them, and I know you have a semi-odd relationship with your male friend from the other night, and I will advise this anyway:
ask someone to come hold you or at least sit with you while you take a nap.
Imagine what it will be like to have someone's arms around you (even metaphorically), arms that don't want anything other than for you to feel safe. When you get done crying in those arms, you will sleep like a baby.
And then schedule a massage for yourself.
You need TOUCH...my guess is that you are aching for it...but SAFE touch, not touch which is asking for you to be in a position to give back.
I have been in that place, a few times needing the safety, most times giving it, and I can tell you that the time you spend with someone safe is like nothing you have felt in a while.
And reach out if you just want to talk...Hartford can't be too far from where you are.
Safe journey
Joe
thanks, everyone, for offering what you can from even this distance.
it helps.
Wrygirl,
red7beard has good advice. Especially the massage. I have had several of them after my wife died and they help. We humans need touch to stay healthy.
You will need time to grieve for your loss. You have to talk about it and cry about it, get angry, sad and depressed, just like I have. I've been told loss takes many forms, and loss of a spouse or a marriage is two of the biggest. Hang in there, going through the everyday motions of living will help. It will get better with time, I am starting to get there myself.
Be well and I'm sending a hug your way!
*hug* Chin up WryGirl.. I know you'll get through this.
Keep talking through it, expressing how you feel, your fears, your loneliness, your desires, your needs, your ups and downs . . . and talk to the right people. Professionals can help; friends can help. Just stay in contact, and keep talking, even if it's about nothing . . . don't sit there and act like bizarre, swirling, scary stuff isn't happening to you.
We all know you'll succeed, Wry, and be much happier on the other side.
XO
renman.jim@gmail.com
others here have offered such good advice, I have nothing to add - except that my heart goes out to you.
Hi WG,
Sorry indeed to hear of sorrow.
One of the biggest problems with divorce-- the money problem. There's just nothing to say, except it's a reflection of how small the safety net we've made for people is.
XOXO and Love
Chuck
* sending good thoughts your way *
I've been there (I was the husband on the couch for the last 6 weeks before separation. You'll get through, find new life, maybe keep a friendship with the ex (as I've been fortunate to do).
You sound a lot like my ex wife and I. We lived together for almost a year after we were split up and divorced.Waiting for the house to sell. Living in separate bedrooms just like you two.
I think we got by because even though the marriage didn't work, we still cared for each other and were best friends. We ended up working together on the separation. We both decided we would buy condo's instead of houses. So we went condo shopping together. You should have seen the look on the realtor's faces when we told them we were looking for two places. And that we were getting a divorce. Then we went furniture shopping together. We just helped each other move from one step to another. Was it sad at times? Of course, very. But knowing that we still had each other no matter what helped very much.
Then when the house finally sold we shared a moving van. The movers put my stuff in first then hers. Then in one day set us both up in separate places. But that didn't end it. I still went over and helped her hang pictures or do repairs and even just hung out and watched movies. She has since met someone and remarried, I have a steady girlfriend, and we are all still best of friends. Even do the holiday things together.
So you see it doesn't always have to be a total separation of lives. That, I think is the most scary part. Thinking after 14 years that you will never see the person again and be all alone. Friends can be friends forever.
Larry
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