Eye of the Beholder (Yeah, Me)

Last night was the anniversary dinner with the husband.

It took me 45 minutes to figure out what to wear. The debate was between two outfits. I put on the first dress, jacket, shoes. I looked professional but solidly good. But not Bang Pow good. So I put on the second dress and shoes. Definitely hotter, tighter, low neck. But I felt fat. All hips.

Now, I wasn't getting dressed up for anyone else. I was doing it because I wanted to look good for me (hey these days I'm the best lay I know).

But I just felt fat and flabby and stretch-marked and pale.

I don't always feels this way. Now, it seems, the stress and difficulty of life have sapped my self-confidence a bit. I tried those two dresses on for 45 minutes.

Finally I put the first outfit back on and left the house. I felt like nothing special. As I drove, however, I talked myself up. "Look," I said, "you are still the same person, same body, same face no matter who you are getting to have dinner with. It's stupid to feel beautiful with one person and ugly with another. It's the same face." In fact, it's very pretty face. And I'm not particularly hippy or fat or flabby; I vascillate between sizes 6 and 8.

But my perception just seems so skewed. I genuinely felt ugly yesterday. I guess what I keep trying to learn that no one else is going to make me feel beautiful if I don't feel it myself. But how to do that?