Monday, Monday.
I came very close to bailing this weekend. It felt like three bad days that I just didn't have the stamina for. There are times when I think that three months of hard, nose-to-the-grindstone, no-bullshit work is possible. Three months, what's that? Easy. Then there are the days when I can't face the options before me. Sunday morning was one of those. I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to spend the day with my family. I wanted another life. I cried with the frustration and exhaustion of it. My husband and I talked it through, and we revised the plan. The day was salvaged, allowing for a few moments of near nervous freak-out, of course.
Today was a museum, carousel, ice cream day. I had the chance to back out, but thought it better that I participate and try to have some fun together. It kind of worked. Vaguely.
The worst feeling of all was just now, when I tried to excuse myself for a few minutes. My son screamed 'No No!' and clung to me. Fuck, man, I'm not a parasite. I'm barely allowed time to pee by myself. Get this kid off of me! What a perfect example of my daily frustrations: I have marginal autonomy. To do what I want. To go where I want. To be with whom I want. And when I am self-determined, I have to justify it within an inch of my life.
Things will change, I tell myself. The boy will go to school soon. I'll find some meaningful work. By the end of November, somehow, we will have reconciled the state of our marriage one way or another. If I don't lose my mind first.
And the past weekend can't be all bad, seeing as I've discovered the not-insignificant fun of watching myself masturbate.
4 Comments:
i remember dreading the weekends and thinking i must be the only one in the universe to feel this way, and having such horrible guilt over it all. it isn't the children, it isn't the husband (or wife in my case), it isn't the life, the house, the car, the bills, the laundry... it is us. and until we get us fixed, there can be no hope. the good news is that i have already started looking forward to weekends (a little) again. be well beautiful.
the separation between mother and woman is a hard one but so neccessary to you staying young and alive. I hope you find some peace in your situation
LOL, the simple pleasures of self fulfilment :-)
I thought for a minute I was reading an entry right out of my head! Thank you for taking the words right out of my mind...I'm right there with you - about the frustrations and not wanting to spend another day with the family and of course the son who won't let me go! OMG!!!
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