Day One.
So I've decided to keep writing here. I can't bear the thought of giving that up too, concurrent with everything else right now.
The short version is that I've started to reconcile with the fact that I think and feel that my marriage is over. It's not what I want to think. I've been fighting it. Do you think I want to rip my home apart? Do you think I want to cause someone that kind of pain? Do I relish the idea of giving up all that's good about our marriage? No, no, no. I'd rather not. I'm really scared of the prospect and so I've kept myself at this place of indecision (and misery).
As long as I had a particular friend to talk to, invest in and be filled by, I could pretend that my marriage was working well enough, limping along but not crippled. But I don't face reality when I do that. I've had to ask that friend to put our friendship on hold for now, until I face my life and do what I think I need to do. This is no fun either. I get a panicked throwing-up feeling in my stomach thinking about us out there in our shell-shocked bunkers, eating beans from a can, our radios silent.
To console myself, I imagine the Next Time. When I've straightened out my life and we can see each other again, even just for beers and sushi. Or farther down the line, when I'm free for a weekend and there's nothing to do but listen to records, eat garlic pasta, and laze around.
Today is Day One. No more fucking around. I will fight for the life I want.
2 Comments:
Long time lurker, first time poster.
Just wanted to say that I'm glad you're going to keep blogging. I went through a similiar experience a while back, and was told by a very dear friend what I'm going to say to you: no matter who reads, or who responds, you blog only for you. If you need to get it out, get it out. If you need to take a break, take it. But do whatever's best for you.
Sorry for the trip to the soapbox. Looking forward to what comes next for you.
i wish i'd read this when you first posted cos i don't know if you go back to look for comments on old posts! but anyway, for what it's worth... i do know how you feel.. but the more you persevere the easier it will get. And this quote changed my life: "Letting go hurts. But staying, once you’ve decided the relationship is really over, means being buried alive. Face your decision with courage, kindness and a galloping leap of faith. Joy is waiting." (Judith Sills)
hugs.
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