Shirts Worn By Men I Won't Fuck
Going back to a conversation I had with my Not My Boyfriend**:
If you were in a bar, and single, which t-shirts would totally turn you off?
I will not ever ever fuck you if you are wearing a Bush/Cheney shirt.
I will not ever ever fuck you if you are wearing a Joe Lieberman t-shirt. Probably, in fact, I will shoot you in the face, as you are an underling of the undead and probably undead yourself.
I will not fuck you if you are wearing a Howard Stern t-shirt.
I will not fuck you if you are wearing a 'Free Mumia' t-shirt.
I will not fuck you if you are wearing a sports team jersey.
I might fuck you if you are wearing a 'The sports team from my region is superior to the sports team from your region' t-shirt.
I will not fuck you if you are wearing a Budweiser t-shirt.
I will fuck you if you are wearing a Natty Bo or PBR t-shirt.
I will not fuck you if you are wearing a 'Remember 9/11' t-shirt.
I will not fuck you if you are wearing an eagle with American flag t-shirt.
I will fuck you if you are wearing an eagle, American flag, rose, and Virgin Mary t-shirt.
I will fuck you if you are wearing a t-shirt with a superhero except Superman, Robin, or Plasticman.
You will fuck me hard if you are wearing a t-shirt with an Alan Moore character on it.
And if you are wearing a t-shirt with Underdog, Magilla Gorilla, or Ironman on it, I will fuck you twice.
** You should all know that my Not My Boyfriend gives Double-Bacon-Genius-Burger birthday gifts. Thanks.**
26 Comments:
brilliant!
Great post! Very funny. Although....I would wear several of the shirts on the "will not fuck" list, so I guess I'm out of luck. :)
I had a Watchman shirt (with the smiley face), and I'm a big fan of much of Alan Moore's work. It's so unusual to find a woman who even knows who he is that I think I could fall for you for that reason alone.
Whew, not that it matters, but I think I passed all the tests.
How about a "More Cowbell" t-shirt?
Hi Sweet Cheeks,
Would you fuck me if I were wearing my t-shirt that has an American flag on the front, and a picture of Ted Kaczynski on the back, with "Stop Corporate Oppression"?
And while you might not fuck me right then, if I was wearing my Superman shirt, you might be mighty tempted later if you saw me and my two boys, both who are cuter than Hell, wearing their two Superman caps, running in front of me.
I'm actually wearing a new Enro pinstripe right now. Very crisp, lightly starched?
XO
Chuck
How about a T-shirt that reads:
"Hopeless Romantic
"seeks erudite princess for spanking and anal"
like this one
So what was the gift? An actual double-bacon-cheeseburger? A t-shirt he had worn while eating one, with the evidence on it?
Now, if YOU were wearing just a t-shirt, I don't think it would matter what it had on it. As they say, "it's what's inside that counts."
XO
O.K Wry,
I have thought about it, and although I am not actually a tee shirt kind of fellow, and I do not necessarily feel the need to wear clothing that depicts or promotes anything either political or sporty, I do approve of your tee shirt criteria, and therefore, it is official, I would fuck you. And...I would buy you a hamburger, either before, or afterward, your choice.
Love,
Daytripper
So many intriguing offers of fucking and burgers. this has taken an interesting turn.
I got the fever.
And the only prescription
IS MORE COWBELL!
*Christopher Walken voice*
Moah cowbell
*Christopher Walken voice*
Moah cowbell
Have I mentioned that I hate beta blogger
That's awesome. Is my Batman t-shirt ok?
Batman is the shit.
It made my week when I was on vacation last year in San Francisco, wearing my "More Cowbell" t-shirt for the first time, and walking into my hotel, I heard a couple of 20-something hipsters actually impressed by it--"Dude, that guy has a cowbell t-shirt! That rocks!".
Right, because I don't like flag t-shirts, I clearly don't support the armed forces or understand patriotism. It couldn't possibly be the fact that commodifying the flag as a t-shirt logo is personally objectionable to me. No, I'm just one more of the lazy liberal elite.
As for having lifted a finger or two? Maybe I just don't feel the need to splash it all over other people's blogs.
Hey but thanks for sharing. Always good to hear from you.
Just for the record Iron Man is my favorite and I've got Iron Man stuff all over the place... who knew such a fact would result in double fucking! Finally!
I always wondered what happened to Iron Man when it rained . . .
XO
Hi Jim,
Now THAT is a classic line.
Best,
Chuck
Excellent post!
I actuallly own an Underdog shirt, a U secret comparment pill ring (that my husband proposed with), and an Underdog bobblehead.
I hadn't thought about using them as fucking criteria. Maybe now I will. :)
What about Thundercats?
Although I haven't adopted a specific Thundercat policy, they badassitude (badasscattitude?) lands them squarely in the 'yes' box. As it were.
I must have something here; oh, how bout this one; t-shirt dyed to look like a section of granite facade pocked by artillery rounds. On the front is a tattered Irish tricolor, on the back is the slogan, "Easter 1916". Waddya think? Pretty cool, huh?
No? OK, try this; t-shirt dyed with the colors red, black, green, each shade kind of bleeding into the other, the front, from collar to waist, is a rendering of Bob Marley's face and on the back, a rampant Lion of Judah?
No? Well, lemme see, what else we got here. Oh, here's a good one; t-shirt dyed kelly green, over the right breast a logo for Father Murphy's Pub, Durango, CO and on the back, the legend, "Go thou and sin no more". C'mon, now. Tell me that's not charming.
No? OK, tell you what. Here is a t-shirt that really did the trick. Well, its not really a t-shirt anymore, its just a rag now but not long ago I wore it into the saloon bar at Little Ting's just before closing. I was smeared with paint and the t-shirt, a gunmetal cotton T, was smeared with me. My friend, Yolanda, her judgement overcome entirely by my dashing garb, grabbed me by the shirt collar, and tore it open from clavicle to beltline. After that, things got exciting.
Anything? I could wear em all at the same time. If that would help.
TP: You are both thorough and committed. I commend you!
Commendation without copulation.
Its a start.
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