Not So Bad.
Last night I slept in this little room by myself. I've got books, a desk, a dresser, a bed, my computer, and pictures of my family. Plus the wireless gizmo and the file cabinet.
Anxiety and strange noises conspired to keep me awake; I'm completely unaccustomed to how regular sounds resonante in here. Well I finally drifted off, I had terrible nightmares, obvious manifestations of my anxieties. I awoke feeling desperate to change the space around. Didn't happen. Instead, I'm beginning to see small advantages to being in here.
It's the warmest bedroom. It's quiet. The windows catch lovely morning light. I can listen to iTunes as I get ready, or anytime, really. I can write whenever I like without my husband keeping tabs, tapping his foot. And I smartened up today and retrieved my box of sex toys from the other bedroom. Sure, it's small in here, but as a friend recommended, I'll just think of it as my little spaceship.
Also, I don't have to spend another tense night in bed with my husband. I mean, maybe I'll crash in his room when his family comes to visit for Christmas, but that's it. And there's no denying that the last time we had sex was, in fact, the last time. What a relief.
5 Comments:
Oh beautiful, such big and small steps. I'm so proud of you, you certainly have come a long way since we first met. Take each step as if it was your first and remember it is the journey, not the destination. I remember my first few nights alone here in the apartment, heck, I'm still getting used to it all. Takes time.
Thoughts are with you. :)
yikes
I can't begin to tell you how much your situation reminds me of so much pain in my life way back when.
I feel an almost overwhelming desire to cradle you and fight off the ugliness. But my rational mind knows that you have to walk this path alone for a while.
That must be why they call it "faith." Cuz otherwise, there is precious little evidence of a benevolent god.
*sigh*
I like having my own bedroom ... too many years of sharing with other brothers ...
and I'm with dodger ... good on ya for the big and small steps ...
My own place is now mostly settled, warm and cozy. I'm so very happy. Some day soon you will have that also. The first steps are the hardest.
I'm new here (followed Gadfly over) and my first time reading... I added you to my links though, as I'd like to find my way back again.
I can't say I can relate to what's going on via personal experience, but it does remind me a lot of what one of my good friends is going through right now.
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