Wednesday Evening.
Holy fucka fucka it's been a long time.
For one, I've been holding down two jobs, at approximately eleven thousand hours a week. For two, I'm a single mom now. For three, any spare time has been spent getting sick with some bullshit or another. Can you say hello to the yeast infection from hell? Bonjour!
For four, I've had just enough to drink to start spewing again.
Ah, I miss this.
Most nights I come home and am too damn tired to write or read, even.
This is the last month I'll work both jobs and although I'll miss the retail, I think I can hold on the bitchin' friends I've made. Also, I'm in the midst of making decisions about where and how to live. The conclusion is to share space with another single mom; I hope it will be cool (versus the big freakout by my son).
And considering this is theoretically a sex blog: . . . Nothing much to say in that direction. There is the inevitable demise of an old flame, which both hurts and sucks. I know another guy who is pretty to look at, but lacks in both smarts and humor and good sense, so no fucking thanks. I don't even bother masturbating, because truly erotic fantasy entails the possibility of fulfillment, and I ain't got none of that. It's not that I want someone to help make decisions or to get me through this next phase of life; I actually like the autonomy. The problem is feeling as though I'm out of touch with the woman, the sex/fuck side of myself. That's understating it. That part of me doesn't exist right now. There is no one telling me about my sweetness, my beauty, the softness of my skin. No one seeks or desires me.
Part of the reason I haven't been writing is the limits of my schedule. But I also don't want to talk about what I don't have and what I miss. I'm happier with my life than I have been in a long time, but I'm also lonely. I'm only halfway toward resolving my fucked-upedness. I'm tired.
Come here. Bring me a beer, a book, a donut. I miss you.
9 Comments:
Great to hear that things are looking better even if you're too frazzled to enjoy the freedom as much as you'd like. By the way, I've a beer here, for you, and a doughnut - and a book?? But I'm thinking beer and doughnuts? Seems like something you should eat in some sequence not as a combination. Kind of reminds me of Laverne's coke and milk combo, but not quite as disgusting. Perhaps you'll momentarily reconsider my offer of a beverage and a chat(I know, I know - you don't drink coffee) at some time in the future. I'm also available for back-rubs and handholding (or more) if you're suddenly interested. Otherwise, cheers - drink your beer - and onward and upward.
But it's still a positive direction, right? This period of uncomfortableness is bearable, because you're moving toward a brighter place in your life, correct? The Woman can wait a little bit, standing just off to the side in the shadows, patiently waiting her turn, while Single Mom deals with a myriad of tasks at hand. There will be time to play later, don't worry about that.
And you might be lonely, but you're never alone.
XO
Hi WG,
OK-- been reading "The Wisdom of Crowds" -- premise is the crowd knows more when aggregated correctly than any expert. Mostly true, and I agree with a lot-- but when the crowd gets it wrong, things can be ugly.
I'm popping open the bottle of the Cotes du Rhone-- care to share a glass?
XOXO
Chuck
*donut in mouth, balancing a Crispy Cream box and two large coffees*
*muffled*
Hey cootie! Goof du she ya again!
Keem Daimish?
Good to hear you are alive.
Its great to hear from you. I thought maybe you had given up on blogging. Its funny how you can be in a totally unsatisfying relationship and be erotic as hell, but when you have the freedom to fully explore your sexuality you're no longer aroused. Life can be so weird sometimes.
Good to hear from you, that's for sure, but I figured you were going through some times like this. Just good to know you are ok and making progress, might not seem like much now, but you are making huge strides in the right direction. The rest of the puzzle pieces will fall into place for you. Just hang in there lovely. :)
I would do inexplicable things to each and every one of you just because you're still reading this blog.
It's sort of like after having a baby, how it takes a while to stop feeling like "mommy" and feeling like a woman again. I think the same goes for a major change in your life. I remember being thrilled with my new found single status but too emotionally drained at times to take advantage of it. Don't worry, something or someone will soon spark your interest and all those juices will begin flowing again. Trust me on this one. Taking control of your life is some heady stuff. You'll be rewarded handsomely!
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