You Should See The Illusionist
I'm not good at writing about films. Sometimes I feel like crying while eating a bottle of nutmeg because I can't connect to modern cinema. I don't know jack shit about themes or motifs. I could try to be all erudite, but truthfully, I mostly say 'I liked it. I hated it.'
Well I loooooooved The Illusionist.
Last night I drove downtown, got a gigantic Birthday Cake Remix,and went to the theater.
I left the film moved and touched with a squiggly, tremulous gladness to be alive on a smoky autumn night, wishing I could watch it again or at least listen to the music for the rest of the evening just to hold on to the feeling. I drove home wanting to share the experience with my husband, to urge him to see the film, and anxious to talk about it. When he asked me how the film was, I tried to express how magical and lovely and wonderous I found it. He nodded his head, glad to hear it, but didn't ask anything else, didn't keep the conversation going. We moved on to talk about his evening. Soon I excused myself upstairs to get ready for bed.
A week ago I would have jumped on the computer to email a friend, laid out how I felt, and looked forward to the ensuing dialogue. Even if he hadn't seen the movie, he would have returned the conversation or talked about a similar feeling from a movie, or art, or the Bach Cello Suites.
Instead, I stayed stuck with the lonely feeling. And that's the whole point to this. I am lonely in my own home, even as my partner sits next to me. I'm not trying to escape it anymore.
I'm facing it, but I'll be damned if it's how I'm going to live much longer.
4 Comments:
You've just described the basis of my semi-celibacy. Out-of-syncness. Living it, and sorry to hear that you are too.
I lived that loneliness for more than 2 years before I finally cracked and said "no more." I too did not want to cause my children and my family pain so I suffered in silence.
It finally came down to two things: 1) Realizing the horrible example my spouse and I were setting for our children about how a loving, healthy marriage should be, and 2) I was loosing myself. I decided that I was impossible for me to be the best "me" for them, until I could be the best "me" for me.
I'm sorry that you feel that you have to sacrifice (put on hold) your friendship in order to take this step. I can't help thinking that your friend(s) will be your most important support mechanism in the trying times to come.
I'll add my 2 cents to this list, since I'm in the same boat . . . isn't that mainly why we cluster around certain blogs?
My wife and I don't share much interest in each other's work-worlds, so we never talk about them, and that tends to poison other coversations, but I really love it when we can talk about a movie or some daily situation that we both relate to. It's a work in progress, so I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. 17 years has got to count for something.
XO
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