What's Happening Now.

It's so easy. I talk to him for the first time in a month because of a mutual friend's trouble, and I backslide immediately into sadness.

And then I can barely stand how much I miss him. Talking about music and books. The number one sex. The way how there's something about him that has always pulled on a part of my heart, and still does.

In everyday life I profess anger and intolerance for the way he treated me; the way he rejected me only until I walked away; and the way he has reacted to my moving on.

In everyday life I happily spend my time with someone new who is a mature and whole man.

But after just a brief conversation with this former man, I'm fully immersed in what we meant to each other and how much I miss him and what we had. I truly loved him and wanted to give him every part of myself, to an unhealthy degree. We were tremendously close.

For a long time, however, we both said that a real relationship between us wouldn't work. He told me to walk away, and I did. He changed his mind, but I did not.

I'm not saying that I basically revisit my opinions or decisions. Just that it's hard to feel all the stuff, to be in it and understand that it's part of the natural course of a break-up. Sucks, in fact. So that's what's happening now. In the middle of love and loss and sadness.